Time to reflect....

Now that I am alone and have the ample time to allow my anger to subside and had time to reflect on my actions in the past, I have come to realize that I have to apologize to those that read my comments on Facebook and have had to ask God repeatedly to forgive me. I can not believe that I have allowed him to take me out of my comfort zone. As I have sat these last couple of days and pondered about how badly I handled our situation. I think about my actions and most of the time I feel bad, I used the word most because I also remember the words you used to hurt me.

I know that from this experience has taught me that no one person should take me out of my element. All I wanted you to know was how I was feeling. I kept trying to talk to you but you would not listen. When those tears fell from my eyes they were not fake they arrived out of the pain I had inside of me. I wanted you to know that I was hurting and it was your job to make my pain go away. I know what I am about to say next is very silly but there were many times when I kept thinking about us and what you meant to me. I would think about these things and I realized they go hand in hand. Our relationship was supposed to be my future, it was what I wanted. I wanted to grow old with you. I wanted to experience crazy love forever and ever. I wanted us to walk through new houses picking the one that would be just right for us. I wanted you to see me walk around our house in a beautiful dress and catch you staring at how gorgeous I am. I wanted to pull the covers off you at night and then have you get closer, to keep us warm. I wanted to see you laugh like crazy at me when I did stupid stuff. I wanted to sit on the beach with you and watch the sun set, and I wanted all the people who passed us to envy the love that we obviously have for each other.

I wanted to sit and talk to you for hours about nothing at all but in the same time everything or maybe we won't talk at all and just grin at each other realizing how lucky we are. I wanted to take trips with you to places we've never been and experience them together. I want us to go skinny-dipping in a hotel pool and get caught and streak back to our hotel room waking everyone up because we're laughing so hard. I wanted our friends to come over and get totally jealous because they didn't share a love like we could have. I wanted us to run outside in the rain and act like total kids getting completely soaked, and when we came back in stripping down to nothing as we stumble into the bedroom, or the kitchen counter, or the balcony, or the couch, or an office desk, or the shower, which ever one we felt like at the time.

I wanted to take your breath away every time I said, "I love you" because you know it's coming from the heart. I wanted to sit down with a box of strawberries, a bottle of chocolate syrup, and a thing of mint chocolate ice cream...... well, I'll let your imagination finish that one. I wanted to love you and be with you for at least forever if not a little longer. I couldn't really express in words what I'm feeling right now so I decided to share with you SOME of the images and thoughts that have been running through my head. I just wanted you to know that I had never found someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with until I met you. Was I really crazy about you, or fascinated with being love and wanting someone to love me back.